Following the Yellow Brick Road

When I first left to come out to school in Hawaii, one of the thoughts that crossed my mind was "What if I meet The One while I'm there?" Of course, what young, single girl doesn't think this daily? This is BYU, of course, where marriage is mentioned at pretty much every gathering, classes on the subject are held, and it unfailingly becomes the topic of late night girl chat. So yeah, I kept my eyes open from the day I first got here. I even let myself fall hard enough for a particular young man that I cried myself to sleep a few times coming to terms with his disinterest.
But that experience, coupled with a few other "gems" who caught my eye momentarily made me realize something:
I am not ready to get married. Not in the least. I'm not even ready for a relationship.
Now, I say this, but if a met a guy this week who struck my fancy and it felt right, I would be all over that! But thinking about my choices, my plans, and how I feel about myself right now....I just plain don't want to jump on that bandwagon quite yet.
Am I being selfish? It seems like I've heard that before at a devotional or something. By no means am I avoiding finding my one true love. No sir. I want that more than anything! I have just realized that now is not the time. I'm just not feeling it.
In part, I believe I feel this way because I know what kind of man I want to marry. But when I look at myself and who I am, I realize that I am not the equivalent of the man I want, if that makes sense. I can't accept my husband to be a certain way if I myself am not willing to adhere to the same standards.
And so, I have decided that for now, it's all about me. But not in a selfish way. Well, not completely. I am going to focus on school, figure out what I want to do with my education and where I want it to take me. I want to go to Europe and enjoy it without anything calling me back home but my own desire to return. That's the selfish part.
The other part is my need to work on myself. I need to think about my choices and how they will make me worthy of the type of man I want to be worthy of me. I want both my husband and I to not be able to figure out what we did to deserve each other. I don't plan on being perfect, by any means. But I definitely have some kinks to work out.
So, as I navigate through this crazy world of academics and life choices, I will focus on making myself a better person for my own good and for the good of my relationship with my spouse. And if my future spouse just happens to show up along the way,(say, in Scotland, perhaps?) then hey, I'm won't complain. But until that fateful meeting day, Europe, here I come!


melissa mae said...

Squints, I have a few things to say on this subject. First, i want you to know and believe that you are not being selfish! Life is what you want it to be, not what others may think it should be for you. Marriage is not something you rush into or something that "completes" you. It is amazing and beautiful, but it is not necessary for someone to get married in order to lead a fulfilling life. I'm sure its hard not to feel that pressure, but I am proud of you for being "selfish" if thats what you want to call it. Follow your dreams, do what you love! You are in a great position to do that! Take advantage of it. you are NOT being selfish!

{ bRee } said...

Oh dear goodness Elise, reading your posts today have put me on an emotional roller coaster. WEW! (Big Thunder Mountain Crybaby right now!)

You are not being selfish. Don't let the stereotypes of our religion get to you. YOU are an incredible person. YOU will meet someone who appreciates that - he better or I will kick the shit out of him, and you know I will.

Marriage lasts forever, so take your time. Enjoy the freedoms and opportunities you have now, marriage brings its own set of these same things, but for now, enjoy the ones you have. There is so, so much out there in the world to see and do, and I am so proud of you for grabbing the reins and goin' for a ride! Each journey you take, whether it be to Hawaii for school, Europe to travel, or Alaska to hunt the Abominable Snowman, they will each shape who you are, and as you said prepare you for your spouse. You are becoming the well rounded person we all strive to be. (no that was not a fat joke!!) I know our Heavenly Father is proud of your choices and who you are. Your are a great source of spiritual examples to me Elise. I gather strength from you everyday, I do. I am grateful and proud to have you as my friend and sister on this earthly journey. Remember God in all things and thank Him for these things. He has blessed you and will continue to bless you Elise. You are truly a chosen spirit of God.

Now go out and explore the world young one, you cannot suckle to breast of your mother forever.