When I first left to come out to school in Hawaii, one of the thoughts that crossed my mind was "What if I meet The One while I'm there?" Of course, what young, single girl doesn't think this daily? This is BYU, of course, where marriage is mentioned at pretty much every gathering, classes on the subject are held, and it unfailingly becomes the topic of late night girl chat. So yeah, I kept my eyes open from the day I first got here. I even let myself fall hard enough for a particular young man that I cried myself to sleep a few times coming to terms with his disinterest.
But that experience, coupled with a few other "gems" who caught my eye momentarily made me realize something:
I am not ready to get married. Not in the least. I'm not even ready for a relationship.
Now, I say this, but if a met a guy this week who struck my fancy and it felt right, I would be all over that! But thinking about my choices, my plans, and how I feel about myself right now....I just plain don't want to jump on that bandwagon quite yet.
Am I being selfish? It seems like I've heard that before at a devotional or something. By no means am I avoiding finding my one true love. No sir. I want that more than anything! I have just realized that now is not the time. I'm just not feeling it.
In part, I believe I feel this way because I know what kind of man I want to marry. But when I look at myself and who I am, I realize that I am not the equivalent of the man I want, if that makes sense. I can't accept my husband to be a certain way if I myself am not willing to adhere to the same standards.
And so, I have decided that for now, it's all about me. But not in a selfish way. Well, not completely. I am going to focus on school, figure out what I want to do with my education and where I want it to take me. I want to go to Europe and enjoy it without anything calling me back home but my own desire to return. That's the selfish part.
The other part is my need to work on myself. I need to think about my choices and how they will make me worthy of the type of man I want to be worthy of me. I want both my husband and I to not be able to figure out what we did to deserve each other. I don't plan on being perfect, by any means. But I definitely have some kinks to work out.
So, as I navigate through this crazy world of academics and life choices, I will focus on making myself a better person for my own good and for the good of my relationship with my spouse. And if my future spouse just happens to show up along the way,(say, in Scotland, perhaps?) then hey, I'm won't complain. But until that fateful meeting day, Europe, here I come!