Foot B.O., The Real Sort

Last night, Saturday night, I found myself at home, alone, nothing to do. So I called up my dear sister Melissa and when she answered, I politely asked if she could hang out. Though, my exact words were "I have no friends". Thank goodness she is an understanding soul. As it happened, she and her good friend Lindsey were already set to go out and see a flick. She invited me to come along. All those years of being shoved out of rooms when trying to hang out with her and her friends....I wasn't going to pass up this chance! (Just kidding Olie, we hang out like....all the time) Anyways, we get to the theater and purchase tickets for the 10:25 Chronicles of Narnia which I have been dying to see. The theater wasn't even halfway full, so we easily found ourselves some good seats. This is where it starts to get good.

Here is my first question:
If you are in a movie theater and there empty seats everywhere, why, oh why, would you sit behind or infront of someone already seated?! If you sit behind someone, you can't rest your feet on the chair. If you sit infront of someone, you risk a very annoying chair-kicking session which inevitably ruins the movie.

So of course these two girls sit right behind us, I would say in there mid 20s. The first half of the movie, no chair kicking, not talking; so far, so good. But then again, this is how most enemies operate. They secure themselves a position close the target, seemingly innocent. Then, just when you think you can trust them, they strike with deadly accuracy.
Before I continue, let me just make the readers aware that I am deadly afraid of both confrontation and bare feet. Bare feet that touch me.

About 20 minutes into the movie, I shifted leftways in my seat to get a bit more comfortable. I immediately feel something poking into my left side. Turning and glancing down, I see a naked, red toe-nailed foot sitting on my arm rest. No, not sitting. Sprawled across it and wrapped around onto my seat. Wrapped around it. A blatant intrusion of my personal bubble that really could not get much more disgusting. I was in such shock that I spent the next 15 or so minutes leaning in the opposite direction not even paying attention to what was happening in the movie because all I could think about was what I had done to deserve this unprovoked footage!

There was moment of tumult on the screen that caught my attention and this was when I realized that I had to idea what had happened in the last little while of the show. How did they get there and who were those guys? Great, now I'm going to have to go see this again. No. You know what?! No. Absolutely not. This is not acceptable. I will not let this wonderful Narnian experience be ruined just because some stupid girl who is probably still stuck in her high school mentality and thinks of no one but herself is using the arm rest that I paid eight bucks, well, Melissa paid eight bucks for(I forgot my wallet!) as her personal foot bench. I get walked on all day at work by customers who think the world revolves around them. But that is work. This is me, in the cinema, watching Narnia, already dealing with the heart break of no more Mr Tumnus. This is the last thing I need. Luckily, I had a weapon. And it was locked and loaded.

Sweaty pits. Oh yes, sweaty, sweaty pits. Thank you hot summer nights! A vendetta was in motion. And that first motion was me strategically draping my sweaty pit directly over the perp's foot. She wanted a foot rest. I wanted an arm rest. We both got what we wanted.

The thing that really floors me, I mean just really lays me flat, is that she kept her foot there. Her foot, my armpit, ensconced. For almost the rest of the movie. Until about 10 or 15 minutes towards the end when I leaned over the tell Melissa something and when I leaned back, the foot was gone. I was almost scared she was going to lean forward after the movie and use some biting remark to get back at me for covering her foot in pit sweat, but she didn't. Just walked out of the theater with her friend as though nothing had happened.

I wish it felt more like a victory and I try to tell myself that it was. But at the end of the day, it was really just some strangers foot lodged into my armpit for an hour. Still, this needs to be said, if only for my ego's sake:

Stupid girl's foot-0
Elise's arm pit-1
.....victory arms.....


Melissa Mae Johnson said...

I STILL can't believe that happened! What the?...I mean...seriously...
oh, and you owe me a date.

Noelle said...

that is amazing. and funny that you and my sister heather both have a thing about feet. way to 'pit up' with a funking situation. pit up. ha ha ha i'm so funny.