I like the saying Night Terrors better than Nightmares

So, I had the weirdest dream last night. It was so vivid, I can still remember it for the most part. That last few weeks I have been under tons of pressure at work what with it being the holiday season; I have barely had time for sleeping and eating (though my fat rolls don't show it); worrying about registering and paying for school; and most of all, worrying about my mom. She finished her treatments and had her final cat scan on Monday. She could have found out the results on Tuesday but she and my dad had an opportunity to get away have some alone time so they took it. So now, we have to wait until next Thursday to find out. I honestly have never felt this much anxiety in my life. I barely make it through work, wanting to get home as soon as I can because I feel I need to be there for my mom. Then when I actually get home, I get so sick being around her and not knowing what's going to happen that I wish I could just go up and crawl into bed until the end of time. Anyways! Back to my dream...
I only realized it this afternoon that it really was all just a culmination of all my worst fears coming true without actually managing to be a nightmare. I'll take it step by step:
1. One of my sisters comes to me with an envelope. She tells me it's mom's cancer results. We open it and take out a piece of paper that says mom only has six months left to live.
No explanation needed for that. I worry about my mom constantly and this is the worst case scenario.
2. I climb out of the bathroom shower, fully clothed. I've lost a ton of weight....viewing from the front. Turning to the side, I have a huge belly. Also, my boobs have shrunk and are the size I've always wanted, but they are right by my belly button. Not sagging, just....moved down a few inches. And there's nothing I can do to move them up.
I'm always conscious my weight, and even more so about my overly large boobays. Lately, I've been really thinking about ways to finally commit to losing the weight and trying to decide if I should get a gym membership even. But I also worry that I've let my weight go so far, the even if I lose it all, there will be parts of my body that have to stretched and changed to ever look good. Especially, the ol' boobaronies.
3. I move into my news dorms, but my dorm room is horrible, my room mates are insane, and we all have to share the same food. Also, for some reason, I share my room with a little boy.
I'm not going to living in any dorms while I'm at school, and I have no idea what the crap the little boy means, but I am certainly worried about school and whether I will be able to succeed or finish and graduate.
4 This one is the most awkward. I won't go into huge detail, just incase someone actually reads this besides myself. But in my dream, there was lots of random sex. And....yeah, that's all I'll say.
I really think the sex was in there because I am, and always have been, and worry that I always will be, single. No one has ever showed interest in me, I have never been kissed, or been on a real date. Nothing. Will I always be alone and never experience love and all that comes with it? I'm a normal girl with normal feelings. I think about these things all the time. I sometimes wonder if I have to wait to long if I'll just let my feelings over come me and throw out all the rules.
Basically, I just thought it was interesting that the four things that I've have been stresssing about lately, at a very high level of stress, all manifested themselves in the worst ways in the same dream. Hopefully, this is not a dream of things to come.

1 comment:

Melissa Mae Johnson said...

Leeses Pieces-
Those are some crappy dreams. But at least you know the one about mom isn't true! And you will do awesome with school. You are extremely smart and focused. Also, the weight thing..the only way that your skin would sag is if you did bypass or something or lost tons of weight in a very short amount of time. Your skin will tighten up as you lose weight. If you get a membership we could go together!