Midnight Thoughts

I just realized last night, whilst laying in bed, that I am almost 20 years old. Four months.....that's all. And then I'm 20. Not only will I be 20, but I will be 20 and have never kissed anyone or been on a real date or had a boyfriend or held anyones hand in a disgustingly cute way or cuddled with anyone or anything that two people who like each other do. 20 years of being unliked, unloved by someone other than my family, always a third wheel, always the only one without someone to be with. All my friends have had someone at one time or another. I have not. What's wrong with me? What makes me so undesirable. I mean, I know I'm a little pudgy, but am I really all that unattractive? I'm not drop dead gorgeous, by any means. But I don't think I'm ugly or anything. Not only that, but I know Ive come a long, long way confidence wise. And I was always told that confidence will make you more attractive or whatever, but I haven't seen any changes with that. I mean, if no one has wanted me in these 20 years, whose to say some one will want me at all? No, seriously. I don't think I'm going to get any better. I think I've pretty much reached my peak, if that makes sense. I don't really know what else to do. I wish I could just make myself stop getting my hopes up about a guy. I always do that and then he ends up going out with one of my friends. I've got to stop doing that. Well.....I really have nothing else to talk about.